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Back To: The Tyranny of Materiality
Personal writing is crucial to a healing content, especially in the context of the story Wires. John Carey, a distant friend, died of Cancer the day before my birthday, 1993. We went to high school together, though he graduated a year before me (1983); we were friendly with each other; we both enjoyed ceramics. It is interesting we were never as close as the portrayal in Wires depicts; the story just wrote itself that way. I saw him in a bar years after high school, both of us moved away from Cooperstown but he moved back. That night he told me he had Cancer. He showed me his colostomy. I wanted a photograph taken of the two of us so John told me he was going to get a piece of pizza at Sal's and would return so we could have our picture taken together. He never came back. A few months later I read his obituary in my hometown paper. I cried hysterically over our failure to be photographed together, the short time we spent talking in the Bold Dragoon that night meant much more than our high school acquaintance. His death upset me, yes, but the displacement was personal, interior (such as feelings we can readily piece together and consciously touch upon) and internal (the aspects of the unconscious, feelings that bury themselves beneath rational focus that can direct our lives until the time we reach a level of psychological comfort and can discover the internal), rather than considerate of the obvious external implications of a person's death. John Carey died. So did many of my friends every death discussed in Wires occurred: Linda Shannon, Jim Turbs, Dominic's little brother (Rico Mone), Bob Bushnell, Tom Day. Did writing Wires magically remove the trauma associated with all these losses? No. Did it help? I do not know but it did not hurt me. How does death affect an individual generally? The individual feels loss, specifically within personal, interior and internal ramifications, such as knowing the person who died will never share the same situations, can never do any favors, can never comfort or advise you again. Is a personal, interior and internal expression of loss Narcissistic? Selfish? Natural? I would argue that it is more than Natural a personal, interior and internal expression of loss is healthy and motivates a degree of healing (dependent on each individual).
Wires partially fictionalizes many earlier portions of my life, raising several questions, such as the concept of self: How does another's death objectively effect us; of identity: Who are we in relation to those who have touched our lives if they no longer physically exist; of temporality: If time technically stops, in the context of shared memories and experiences, how does the individual cope with the thought of continuation without feelings of apathy and irrelevance.
How does another's
death objectively affect us? If the representation
of loss was not personal, interior (accessible feelings) and internal (unconscious,
buried feelings) the loss would have no effect. Our consciousness,
defining the only context we will ever know, is based on our relationships
with who and what is external to us, thus Wires described the narrator's
sense of loss without discussing John Carey's sense of loss regarding his
own death. Alternately, if the loss was not personal, interior
and internal in a significant way, would the person's presence have been
integrally important? When the loss increases in a personal, interior
and internal way the very intimate definition of that person expands
exponentially. In the context of writing and healing, it almost seems
as if I use John's death as a centerpiece for a story without keeping him
in mind since I twist and shape the plot to fit my needs. This is
ironic because the caricature is more alive in my mind than John ever was.
Since death is pervasive and eternal the loss seems unassimilable. If someone moves 3,000 miles away, it is logical that you will not share many tangible experiences with this person, yet the possibility exists, therefore the loss is assimilable since it does not seem absolute even though it very well could be. Does an objective portrayal of the personal, interior and internal aspects of loss negate the loss in and of itself? No. It validates the bond between the two individuals, therefore memorializing their relationship within the context of loss. Again, in writing Wires, I feel a closer bond with John Carey by changing the reality of our relationship and I must ask myself if the writing of Wires memorializes our relationship since this piece is considerably fictionalized. I think it does, regardless of the literal content of the text because my memories remain unadulterated. His life and death within my realm of consciousness has not changed, in the context of memory, though a reader of Wires would not interpret a reality primarily based on the truth of empirical experiences. I will never believe that Wires negates John's loss regardless of the fictionalization of our relationship."There are times that all I feel I have left are my memories and if they sneak away or get too hazy to recall what in the hell will I have? Who will I be? When the last of your life is sucked away by the Cancer, will faded memories be enough to keep me alive?" (Page 4).
"I always knew that you were out there somewhere and all I had to do was just find you because you were out there and now that comforting thought is being ripped away from me and I feel lonelier than I have ever felt in my life because I am going to miss you John." (Page 8).
By ignoring
societal stigmas associated with perceived selfishness, and qualifying
our pain and trauma, we begin to assimilate death into our consciousness
we begin to heal. We must identify the egocentric aspects of death
and grieve for each one, and in the process define who we are through a
process of self-awareness, self-acceptance and shedding imposed feelings
of guilt and/or shame. Wires is a literal compilation of death,
pain and loss occurring over a span of my teen years the names have not
been changed to protect the innocent, the guilty, the deceased. Writing
about John Carey's death from Cancer was not as necessary to my personal
healing as adding the actual details of many peer's deaths and more importantly,
to stress the ambivalence of being alive that colors my every thought,
as well as accentuating the transition from childhood to adulthood in the
context of self-preservation. Wires seems to memorialize my
fallen comrades by their inclusion into the text, but the process was much
more relevant, as each detail wrote itself and fit like integral puzzle
pieces. Every detail, from Jodi's pride about Jim Turbs and Dominic's
brother (Rico) leaving her house before the accident, to never spraining
my wrists in gym class even though I said I did are so uniquely personal,
yet through writing, these details became something other than a painful
part of my past these events became inevitable aspects of the shape of
my psyche with every implication intact.
Who are we in relation to those who have touched our lives if they no longer physically exist? Is memory enough to maintain (what we may guiltily/shamefully consider) meaningful connections? As new memories form, and we interpret our past memories, we begin questioning the concrete truth of our attachments, guiltily/shamefully feel as if we are betraying the now idealized relationship. We generally forget the justified feelings of alienation, anger, frustration and the separation of psyche as time goes on after a death. Whereas the loss seems unassimilable, the overall psyche of the other person tends to become an aspect of our psyche since we no longer have temporal reminders of the other's originality. The argument that no matter what I wrote, whether a pure dictation of the past or an embellished depiction could be considered fiction, regardless, is valid. Written through my mind's filter can only mean the text is my version. Again, it is unrealistic to deny that loss is personal, interior and internal though we valiantly attempt to deny these seemingly self-serving thoughts. Wires eases my mind in assimilating the many losses I experienced even though my writing does not mirror the actual experiences. As a culture, Americans tend to deny the inevitability of death and to make value judgments regarding the grief process. We are told to "put it behind us", "don't dwell on it", "get back to normal", whatever normal may be. This seems hypocritical and unhealthy."I can't help but feel transparent, naked to you and to anyone who happens to look at me in the right light." (Page 4).
Writing about the loss adds to these questions because fictionalizing the supposed truth of the perception of a relationship can have a connotation, a sense of betrayal toward that bond. Even writing using a literal, perhaps recording style can instill at the very least a restlessness, a feeling as if the portrayal is not and will never seem complete because language cannot fully depict nor replace the person. Regardless of the words I choose to describe John Carey they never fully capture his essence the real John. Can the translation of the perception of another's self ever reflect that person? Probably not to any degree of accuracy since something is always omitted or described through the writer's personal bias. Yet the more focused question to ask is does this feeling of incompleteness or inaccuracy affect anyone but the author and is this reaction spawned by the guilt of feeling as if he or she were colonizing the absent person. Still, if we concentrate on the fact that the writing act is for us, rather than for the other person, the overall stress factor may be no longer as acute but where does that leave the text, the finished product, the reader? Death also reminds us of our own mortality and fear of the eventuality. Could writing a text such as Wires help readers deal with the many issues surrounding death? I think it could, but I ask myself if this is justification to answer previous questions concerning the use of John's death as the occasion, the centerpiece of the story and the implications these questions raise. Intent never entered my mind when writing or revising Wires. The finished product would be whatever it is and readers would draw their own conclusions. I could never change that if I wanted to."When I'm in a room full of people I just want to start screaming, Can't you all see my pain? Someone must feel it it's so damn intense!! But instead, I grin and converse and I smile my lie periodically, just like every other victim in the room." (Page 4).
If time technically stops, in the context of shared memories and experiences, how does the individual cope with the thought of continuation without feelings of irrelevance? To feel as if your life has no meaning is paralyzing. Religions tend to temper these feelings, generally promising different levels of a Utopian afterlife. Most people do not feel their lives matter in an overall context and death can accentuate perceived inadequacies. The questions I have raised are closely interrelated as the issue of temporality, of getting old having one's life chugging closer to an end, are directly related to identity and self. Being alive in and of itself is a terminal illness, though our society discourages acceptance and active thinking about this inevitable eventuality. Perhaps Wires further cements this fear and denial, but I think there is more to this story. Although death is central to the theme of Wires, the love and self-imposed denial of their love is as relevant as John's death. Writing Wires focuses on a brief snapshot between the narrator and John, accentuating a complete end to their interaction even though they each forged separate lives without interaction. Writing of John's death illustrates both a renewed partnership and a true finalization of their doomed relationship. Time will never allow a change in circumstances and the reader is left with the brief snapshot; it is only through interpretation that time would continue to move forward for this couple, by projecting logical continuations based on the body of text. We will all die. Writing a story like Wires opens this floodgate of thought and it is not comfortable attempting to live with the reality of the instability that our lives really have. Dying has always been contradictory for me, on the one hand it seems comfortable to leave a harsh reality for what you hope would be at least a calm darkness. On the other hand, aspects of life are rejuvenating, writing for example, and the thought of losing Earthly constructs is unfathomable. Dropping the blinders of denial can force one into a space of alienation no longer psychologically or physically connected to the known, the comfortable the accepted. Writing may free an author of impeding emotion or may drown he or she. Wires has facilitated a bit of both for me but I have no doubt the act of writing this story assists my will to live, or my resistance to death."Will I subconsciously join you though remain bound to this empty hole, a prisoner that only hovers from day to day, not alive and not dead?" (Page 4).
"Wait I have a better idea, let's go scream at the world before the sun comes up . . . Too bad no one will hear." (Page 8).
Click Here to View John's Senior Photo, Yearbook Message, Obituary