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Back To: The Tyranny of Materiality
My little brother Ben was born when I was eleven . . . he was little though he's six feet tall now . . . the image justifies terror: no growth / change / adaptation, only stagnant temporality . . . I am so fortunate to have begun my life surrounded by Nature in and of itself . . .
Fifteen years old . . . my birthday present was a trip to California to visit my Grandfather . . . I felt surrounded by roads . . . there was hardly any green . . . I went to Disney Land, The San Diego Wild Animal Park, Sea World and places like that . . . I remember driving through Tijuana Mexico and seeing real cardboard shacks . . . I got to pick out something to purchase and I actually chose a dress . . . it was a wild pink-ish gauzy linen dress with lace and it flowed and made me feel powerful . . . it had spaghetti straps and I wouldn't wear a bra . . . my dress disappeared at some point . . . I probably wore it five times at the most . . . once when I had a wicked sunburn: I remember straddling JA on the hood of his car at a kegger back then . . . that's the only image I have of the dress: flowing through my head . . . my visit wasn't carefree though . . . we all learned a lot about my grandfather through the trip . . .
Postcards I Sent My Father and Step-mother While in California
I remember always exuding a tough persona . . . I'm not sure how old I was . . . probably fourteen having fun at the Cobleskill Fair . . . I would go every year with my father even after my injury . . . I haven't gone in years . . . no time . . . no desire . . . the olden days . . .
My purple Nikes! My Grandmother Crystal bought me my horse when I was thirteen-ish . . . his name changed around a bit . . . he was "Little Hoss" though my Grandmother called him "Little King" . . . I eventually changed his name to "Tae" as I had a crush on a guy named Tyler from Schenevus . . . I don't miss walking, to be fair I have no sensory memory of locomotion . . . I do miss riding with Tae because it was completely experiential, like flying and exploring and escaping the contamination of culture . . .
Autobiographical writing is extremely problematic! I would like to write what ever comes to mind but must temper that urge with consideration for others who may be affected by what I write...
I moved in with JA when I was sixteen . . . his sister Amy married Brenny: JA was part of the wedding, I don't remember his title . . . his ex-girlfriend Linda was a bridesmaid . . . at some point during the reception I found John and Linda quite close in the basement . . . he also spent some time with Helene in the back . . . I remember taking his car and driving to Hartwick to pick up my friend Amy . . . JA was very drunk: when I returned, I approached him as he sat with his head down on a table, I leaned close to his ear and said something to the effect of "I don't want to see you ever again" . . . I went outside and Linda began to run away and I ran toward her until Bobby [JA's best friend] stepped in between and rushed her off to a car . . . I would have fought with Bobby at that point . . . meanwhile: in his state of inebriation, JA and his step-father began to argue and took it outside to throw punches . . . I clearly remember JA's rented tuxedo shirt was ripped and bloody . . . a local pseudo-law-enforcement guy took him home [I think he cuffed him though I'm not sure] . . . I rode back to the house with his sister and her new husband to find JA lying on the front lawn under a tree . . . Amy and Brenny went on their honeymoon and I stayed with JA . . . I never called my parents . . . I went home a week later and Wanda asked me when I was moving my shit out . . . I called JA and he came back and I officially moved in . . .
so
fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far
away
and i won't know
what to do
and i won't know
what to say
except fuck you...
-- Ani
DiFranco: Untouchable Face
We had a great time though looking back I was pretty cruel though that's who I was then . . . our relationship was strained after my injury . . . he was seeing Brenda shortly before my injury and they married a while after . . . I resented this for yeeaarrrrsss and blamed my injury / hated Brenda / loved JA unrealistically . . . as life chugged along this changed and morphed though no one ever witnessed my pain . . . I was always tough, unpredictable: just dare me to do it and I would because I was the wildest . . . all the high risk behavior and I escaped injury . . . there is no plan . . . random events affect one upon another until the chain grows too complex to trace . . .
"This
is the temptation of certainty.
We tend to live in a world of certainty, of
undoubted, rock-ribbed perceptions: our convictions prove that things are
the way we see them and there is no alternative to what we hold as true.
This is our daily situation, our cultural condition, our common way of being
human"(18).
Maturana, Humberto R. and Varela,
Francisco J. The
Tree of Knowledge: The Biological Roots of Human Understanding.
1987. Trans. Robert Paolucci.
JA and I with my brothers Ben and Gordon . . . Gordon preferred mini bikes to horses . . . either late April or early May 2000, JA was riding his son's mini bike and ended up severely busting his ankle . . . when I was growing up I had a friend who referred to motorcycles / mini bikes / etc. as fool killers . . .