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Back To: The Tyranny of Materiality
1970: I appear to be a tom-boy . . . my father and Gordon . . . I'm two and a half year older than Gordon . . . interesting . . . me thirty years ago . . . how long is that in dog years? [I don't want to know because I find the concept ridiculous] My mother and father were married a year after I was born and broke up around when Gordon was born . . . I don't remember them together and from the sound of it that's a good thing but ah that hinsight can be tricky . . . my mother gave me their wedding ring a few years ago when my Grandfather died . . . I wear it on my ring finger of my right hand with three other rings on the same finger . . .
August 1966: I'm two months old . . . they seem happy . . . how much can we trust the image? Or, how much can we trust our memory?
Ben and I . . . what an interesting authoritative stance . . . I'm probably twelve . . . my first mutual sex act occurred when I was twelve . . . Gordon and I were hanging out with our friends JM and AM: our step-father worked with their father . . . we had been hanging out for years though there's a point where things change . . . the four of us walked up to my Grandmother's house and climbed in through the window because she was in New York . . . we cracked open a bottle of wine, drank it and went skinny dipping in the pond . . . we had a group discussion about heading off into the bedrooms . . . I remember being resistant though it was a test, a dare, a self-mutilation . . . I know I felt about as sexual as a dustball . . . my brother and AM went into the left bedroom and JM and I the right . . . I won't be graphic but will say it surely wasn't what you see cranked out by Hollywood . . . since it wasn't going well we decided to put a glass up against the wall to listen to my brother and his sister . . . we couldn't hear anything and learned that they were trying to listen to us as well . . . I never asked my brother what happened in the left bedroom . . . he and AM were nine and JM and I were twelve . . .
I woke up alarmed I didn't know where I was at first Just that I woke up in your arms And almost immediately I felt sorry Cause I didn't think this would happen again No matter what I could do or say Just that I didn't think this would happen again With or without my best intentions And whatever happened to a boyfriend The kind of guy who tries to win you over And whatever happened to a boyfriend The kind of guy who makes love cause he's in it I want a boyfriend I want a boyfriend I want all that stupid old shit Like letters and sodas You got up out of bed You said you had a lot of work to do But I heard the rust in your head And almost immediately I felt sorry Cause I didn't think this would happen again No matter what I could do or say Just that I didn't think this would happen again With or without my best intentions I want a boyfriend I want a boyfriend I want all that stupid old shit Like letters and sodas I can feel it in my bones I'm gonna spend another year alone It's Fuck and run Fuck and run Even when I was seventeen Fuck and run Fuck and run Even when I was twelve You almost felt bad You said that I should call you up but I knew much better than that And almost immediately I felt sorry Cause I didn't think this would happen again No matter what I could do or say Just that I didn't think this would happen again With or without my best intentions I can feel it in my bones I'm gonna spend my whole life alone It's Fuck and run Fuck and run Even when I was seventeen Fuck and run Fuck and run Even when I was twelve
Gordon, our step-sister Diane and I . . . you know these are the '70s . . . Diane was Wanda's daughter . . . by the time I moved in with Wanda and my father Diane was married and out of the house . . . Gerald had three children as well: Roberta, Jimmy and George . . . George was closest in age . . . I do remember that Jimmy lived with us [my mother and step-father] for a while with some woman . . . The most distinct memories are: 1) His shirt hanging on the clothesline that said "Happiness is a wet pussy" with a booze bottle and a drunk wet black cat on it 2) I cut my hand on a can of something while my mother was milking the goats and she was pissed at the girlfriend for not helping out . . .